Worries
by detohi
Summary: Kanda is worried about his relationship with Lavi. warning for anxiety, self harm and suicide. i don't even know. it's very different from what i usually write, it doesn't have any dialogue so far (which i love writing, dialogues i mean) so i have to warn everyone, it may be a bit ooc, maybe should be considered as a bit of an AU
1. Chapter 1

Pretty, beautiful, used to be mistaken for a girl. This is the cross Kanda Yuu has to carry for the rest of his life, since he was re-born. He wouldn't care, if it wasn't for the fact that his excuse of a boyfriend is a ladies' guy, and he has a thing for big boobs. Which Kanda doesn't have, obviously.

This is something he thinks about a lot, more than he should. Whenever he's washing his long black hair with soap, or he's fighting some enemy, sweating, bloody, and witnesses whisper 'Beautiful!' under their breath. He didn't ask for this. He just wants to fight, maybe have a quiet, nice life. He's well aware that these are just dreams, but it's reassuring thinking of these things time to time.

Until his lover arrives in his room, without knocking, with huge noise, babbling about some stupid book or mission or whatever. When he's done, he looks at Kanda as he's the most precious thing he's ever seen, he touches his face gently, like he's afraid the other would break, and kisses him softly at first, but getting impatient quickly.

They end up making love, but after Lavi fell asleep, Kanda lays awake, bothered by those stupid thoughts. Does Lavi really love him? Would he love him if he wasn't this pretty or whatever? Maybe he's only with him because he still looks a bit girly. And knowing how much Lavi likes girls…

Kanda is irritable lately, even more than he usually is. His always grumpy look is now accompanied with huge dark circles under his eyes. Lenalee worries about him, but he tells her off, and commands her to leave him alone. Lavi worries about him too, he can tell, because the redhead is just a bit less noisy, and glances at him more with knitted eyebrows.

But he can't help it. He can't sleep properly because of his stupid anxiety over that dumbass. He questions himself often, how did it turn out like this? But he can't answer.

One day, after being awake for almost five days, Kanda meets his doom at the gym. He drops with fatigue, and he's lucky that he wasn't alone training, so he's admitted to the infirmary.

Komui only leaves him alone, because his precious sister, Lenalee sends him out, and she stays with the swordsman.

When he wakes up, he sees his friend and his boyfriend sitting next to his bed, quietly arguing about something. When they notice that he's awake, they begin to question him.

He doesn't want to tell. He doesn't want to appear weak, not because of some guy he's in love with. So he just blames it on bad food, nightmares, anything he could think of. They clearly don't believe him, but they don't push him.

By the end of the day, he can go back to his own room, where he locks the door behind himself and stands by his window for a few hours that only seem like a few minutes to him. He thinks hard, but can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. For him to be in this state because of something that should make him happy – being in a relationship with the person he loves. Kanda's been thinking hard of what's wrong with him. But he can't answer. He even toyed with the idea of breaking up with Lavi, maybe that'd make his life easier, but to that thought he only panicked and almost started crying. He loves Lavi, for fuck's sake! Then why is he troubled by being together with him?


	2. Chapter 2

Weeks pass, but nothing really changes. Though Kanda tries to act as if everything's fine, even the bean sprout asks him eventually if he's all right. He tries to ignore the pitying looks everyone gives him, but it kind of breaks his heart: he's so not used to being the one they feel sorry for.

When he's on a mission alone, it's a tiny bit better. He feels more at ease, nobody's there to judge him, except for himself. Sometimes he catches himself wanting to talk to Lavi, but he holds himself back.

But he knows very well, he can't do this forever. Lavi will ask one day, and how is he supposed to give an answer, when he can't even answer himself? And then Lavi will leave him. Because he's not good enough, he's stupid for worrying about this relationship. He doesn't really have a reason to worry anyway, right?

He shakes. There are times when Kanda thinks too much and ends up shaking for hours. He can't stop it, and when it happens, he locks himself up in his room, or he wanders away on a mission.

His head throbs with pain, he feels too hot, his legs give in and he falls on the floor. His heart races and Kanda can't do anything against all of this, but waits. Eventually it'll stop, it always does. It takes him most of the night to finally get some rest, and he couldn't even sleep for an hour, he has to wake up.

When he's about to leave his room and opens the door, he finds Lavi sleeping next to the wall. Looks like he set up a camp there with a sleeping bag because Kanda didn't let him in. Why is he doing it? He's not worth the time, the energy or the troubles.

Kanda's about to pass his boyfriend, when the other grabs his foot and looks up at him. His eye is full of sadness – he's the reason of it. All he does is make Lavi sad and worried, when he doesn't deserve it. Lavi should just leave him already; he'll do that in the end anyway.

The redhead gets up and faces Kanda. He confronts him, asks him. But Kanda can't answer. Not because he doesn't want to, but he's not able to. He doesn't know the answer. Lavi hangs his head, slightly shaking it. He pats Kanda's shoulder and walks past him.

Kanda's heart breaks. He knew this will happen. He wished for this to happen. Yet he feels broken.

For the next few days they don't talk at all. Kanda can feel Lavi's gaze on his back when he walks on the corridor, or when he's eating in the dining room, alone. But they don't face each other.

Kanda suffers from nightmares. He sees Lavi dying. He calls his name, but he can't help him and he dies. He can't take this anymore. He slacks off training, he spends his time taking walks, going to pubs, drinking. It makes him feel better – though only for a short while. But in that time he feels freer, he can forget about his worries for a bit. He enjoys these times, relaxes as much as he can.

But it isn't endless happiness, and the next mornings are always the worst. When he wakes up and searches for Lavi before he remembers that they broke up. Lavi broke up with him.

Now new questions start tormenting him. How long will he be able to carry on like this? He has no answer.


	3. Chapter 3

His life became even more meaningless than before. Kanda just can't remember what gave his life any meaning before Lavi. It's so pathetic that his world revolves around one person. And that person doesn't even love him anymore. He's not even sure if that person has ever loved him at all.

Maybe if he'd been reborn as a girl, Lavi would love him. Now he hated the Order more. They made his life miserable. They took away everything he loved, and they keep taking away everything he loves.

Kanda remembered making a promise. He'd destroy the Order. This promise kept him alive. But right now he lacks the motivation to stay alive. There's no reason for him to do so, right?

Secretly he was waiting. For what? He doesn't have an answer. Maybe a miracle or good fate. Kanda knows he doesn't deserve good things to happen to him. But maybe just for once… just this time? Lavi could walk in and tell him, it's okay and he loves him?

He punches a wall. He punches it again, and again, until he stops feeling his hands. Blood drips from the tip of his fingers. He'll have to clean this mess up later. But for now he starts crying.

He's been holding his tears back for so long, now it's flowing like water. Warm liquids mix together and dirty his clothes. He'll have to wash them too.

Sudden realization hits Kanda. Why does he have to clean up after himself? Why does he have to clean his clothes? If he'd just stop living, he wouldn't have any responsibility anymore. He could do anything he wants, and then just die already. Sounds nice, doesn't it?

What would Lavi do if he found Kanda dead? Would he shed a tear? Would he be in pain? Would he mourn him? Or he'd just accept it and move on? Of course, he wouldn't care, he doesn't even love him.

That's it. Kanda doesn't want to live a wretched life like this. He's sick of being fucked up, he hates being the object of pity. He'll gather the left of his dignity and ends it right here, right now.

Kanda grabs Mugen and turns it against himself. His palms are sweaty, with already dried blood. His hands shake a bit, but isn't all of his body shaking? He raises the sword and strikes down.

He coughs up blood. It hurts. And it's warm. He's not shaking anymore; he's done what's needed to be done.

The ground is cold, where Kanda lies. Everything becomes cold. He's getting cold. He shifts into a contemplating state, all his worries are gone, and he is calm and happy. Now it's going to end soon, he doesn't have to suffer anymore.

It's getting darker around him. What time of the day was it, again? Evening? That'd explain the darkness. Kanda sees his own blood on the floor. It's so much. So much blood, half of his room is bloody. And it's black.

He can't keep his eyes open for much longer. He traces his fingers on Mugen's hilt for one last time before his hands hit the ground. His vision blurs and Kanda's not conscious anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

Pain. Incredibly unbearable pain. It's the first thing Kanda notes. He feels so painful, it's killing him. Does that mean he's not dead yet? If he can be killed by this pain, he can't be dead, right? How is that possible? He killed himself. He liberated himself from his miseries. Did he resurrect? Did the Order resurrected him again?!

He's so angry, he wants to spring up and slaughter the whole Order. He flinches, and it hurts even more. He hears some noises very close to him, but for now, he can't open his eyes, he feels so tired. He hears people calling his name, asking if he feels okay. He wants to laugh. No, he doesn't feel okay. It mostly feels like he was torn apart and put back together like a million times. And he's alive.

It sinks in slowly, but now Kanda's aware that he's still alive. He can't tell, how is it possible, but he's sure of it. Then he hears a very familiar voice that makes his heart ache. The voice asks him if he remembers what's happened. He asks him, why he did this to himself.

Kanda wants to yell that he is the reason so stop asking. But he just doesn't feel motivated enough to open his mouth and speak.

Some time passes like this, Kanda stays silent, eyes closed. People around him come and go, but he can feel Lavi's presence the whole time. How much time exactly passes, he can't tell. A lot. Maybe days. He falls asleep and he wakes up, but nothing changes. The pain is not that unbearable lately.

One day he wakes up, and opens his eyes as an old habit. It's the first time since he killed himself. He just forgot to keep them closed. Now that it happened, Kanda takes the opportunity to look around. As he guessed, he's in the infirmary, and Lavi is sitting on a chair next to his bed. His head is resting on the side of Kanda's bed, his soft red hair brushes Kanda's hand. He jolts and pulls his hand back, but he wakes Lavi with the movement. For a couple of long seconds they just stare at each other like two deer when they see hunters approaching.

Lavi speaks first. He calls Kanda's name – his first name – as he always did. Kanda blinks a few times before he realizes the situation and averts his eyes. The redhead calls him again and asks him if he feels all right. Kanda nods. His ex-lover stares at him for a while in silence before he lavishes a flow of questions on Kanda. Why did he do it? Did he want to die? Why did he want to die? What would have happened if he kills himself? Didn't he think about Lavi?

Kanda snorts. The only thing he thought about was Lavi. His head starts throbbing with pain. Lavi notices and asks if everything's fine, if Kanda's hurt somewhere. He can't take this anymore.

Why is Lavi even there? Why does he care? He should just leave him alone. Kanda tells him to. Lavi's eye widens, his jaw drops. He starts shouting at Kanda. He calls him stupid and he looks like he's about to cry.

Kanda doesn't understand a thing now. Finally he asks Lavi, why does he care. The other hides his now red face behind his hand and answers quietly.

'Because I love you.'

Kanda isn't sure if he heard it right. It sounded weird. Like Lavi told him he loves him. But that's not the case, right? Lavi broke up with him. Because Lavi doesn't love him, he likes girls with soft chests.

He gets angry at him and tells him to stop joking and leave him alone. It seems like Lavi gets angry as well. He stands up and pushes Kanda into his bed, which hurts, but Kanda doesn't notice it.

Lavi kisses him and hugs him so tight, it's suffocating. Kanda freezes. He still doesn't understand anything. Then Lavi murmurs into his ears. He tells him that he loves him more than his life, that he would do anything for him, but if Kanda doesn't tell him what's wrong, he's helpless and watching Kanda suffering is like hell to him, but even if he beats himself up, he has no clue about what he could to for Kanda.

They stay like that for long. It's not like cuddling, Lavi just holds him, protecting him for the cruelness of the world, shielding him with his own body. Because Lavi loves him. He said so, at least. Even though Kanda is a man, not a girl. Even though Kanda is a wreck, he's fucked up and is the worst, always hurting Lavi. But Lavi said, it's okay. He said, they'll figure out everything and they'll be happy together.

What Kanda feels now is indescribable. His soul feels warm. He feels so in love, it's almost painful. But this pain is different from what he felt when he woke up. This pain is pleasure at the same time. Because Lavi loves him. It's still strange and unbelievable, but Lavi tells him this so many times, eventually he starts believing it.

His worries seem so distant now. For now. Kanda is sure, his suffering doesn't end here. But he has to try. He has to try finding answers and telling Lavi the things that bother him. It's a start of a long road he has to walk. But he doesn't have to walk alone.


End file.
